The Two Kinds of Apologies

We don't get wounded alone and we don't heal alone.
― Carl Jung (attributed, citation unknown)

In any relationship which is aged enough and important enough, disappointments and hurt are inevitable. We cannot help but form expectations in relationships ― as we should, if we are to rely on each other, but those expectations are always at least a little imperfect. And we cannot help but fail to live up to our aspirations ― if we did, they would not longer be aspirations. Amidst these dual imperfections lies the duel of hurt and of apology.

The purpose of an apology is to induce emotional catharsis in someone who as been hurt.

If I was your friend, and I hurt you, the pain of your hurt would stand between us. Until the wrong was somehow made right, our friendship would be clouded. When you perceive that I have hurt you, there is a natural distancing ― you feel that I am apart from you, and you wonder if maybe you would be better off apart from me. Apologies are a social technology used to bridge that distance, to reunite both sides of a relationship in harmony.

A successful apology must address the recipient's particular hurt.

There are two kinds of apologies, which are different in almost every way ― they tell different stories about the past hurt, they tell different stories about the apologizer's feelings, they set different expectations about the future, and they lead to different kinds of catharsis in the person hurt. Many wrongs cannot be made right because the person apologizing presents an apology which does not match the recipient. If I wanted to repair our friendship, my apology should match your hurt.

Apologies of Solidarity

Sorry means you feel the pulse of other people's pain as well as your own, and saying it means you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us trodden and sodden as one another.
― Craig Silvey, Jasper Jones (2009)

"I'm sorry that you were hurt, I feel so bad that happened to you."

An Apology of Solidarity expresses that I feel your pain. It denies that I bore you any ill intent ― when you hurt, I hurt also, so how could I want to hurt you? It acknowledges that you were hurt, and validates your feelings of hurt, but it doesn't claim responsibility for that hurt.

Behind an Apologies of Solidarity lies a deeper claim, that if I did not intend to hurt you, then I am not to blame for your hurt. In this framework where blame and intent overlap, affirmation of sympathy implies a lack of blame.

I don't ask for your pity, but just for your understanding – not even that – no. Just for some recognition of me in you...
― Tennessee Williams, Sweet Bird of Youth (1959)

An Apology of Solidarity doesn't promise that things will be better next time, but it does let you know that you won't have to face the future alone. It doesn't aim to prevent future hurt, rather it aims to affirm sympathy and to repair affiliation. If you feel that your hurt has pulled us apart, or if you feel alone in your suffering, an Apology of Solidarity can bring us back together and give you social support.

Apologies of Improvement

The most important words a man can say are, "I will do better."
― Brandon Sanderson, Oathbringer (2017)

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, I will do better."

An Apology of Improvement expresses that I will be better in the future. It takes responsibility, acknowledging that if I had behaved better, that you would not have gotten hurt.

An Apology of Improvement acknowledges that you were right to blame me for your hurt.

An Apology of Improvement is more bitter, and more sweet. It is more bitter because it accepts blame, it acknowledges a wrong, which can weaken the felt sense of solidarity. The person who was wronged might feel even more hurt; when their suspicions are confirmed, they do not need to hold back their outrage. But it is also more sweet, because it hints at a brighter tomorrow.

The best apology is changed behavior.
― Unknown

An Apology of Improvement is a promise. If I hurt you again the same way after an Apology of Improvement, then I have betrayed your trust and broken my promise. An Apology of Improvement ups the stakes.

Forgiveness says, "Yes, you have done this thing, but I accept your apology..." If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive... Many people seem to think [that forgiving means excusing]. They think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or bullying. But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive.
― CS Lewis, Essay on Forgiveness (1960)

Apologetic Catharsis

Apologies of Solidarity and Apologies of Improvement are, on a deep level, incompatible. If I have always been on your side, then we already have solidarity and do not need improvement. If, on the other hand, I have wronged you, and need improvement, then in some sense I have not been steadfast at your side.

Which is more important to you, when you've been hurt? Would you rather learn that your friend didn't mean to hurt you, or that they will take steps to ensure you aren't hurt again? Would you rather rely on the social support you have, or demand improvement, which might push people away?